A monologue, a read, and a non-starter: just another week in my life.

I've been off the blogging for the last week or so because I no longer spend eight hours a day in front of a computer. There are approximately 437 unread posts, no exaggeration, in my Google reader. I feel out of touch, disconnected. I no longer know what the conversation is about because 15-30 minutes a day on the internet is not enough time to figure it out. These are the time limits imposed by the library and the demand for their limited number of computers. Yes, I have to go to the library to get online, which I have never actually had to do in the past. All I will say is that it's an interesting venue for the mid-day character study, the best to date having been a small, well-dressed woman with fuschia lipstick ranting about the wrongfully convicted rotting in prison while their exonerating files lay neglected in the bottoms of recycling bins nationwide. "What else is in those recycling bins?" None of this is terribly conducive to either blogging or to staying informed (I missed the memo on Wrecking Ball the other night, too).


The silver lining is that instead of typing I've been outside enjoying the rare winter sunshine. My new day job involves dogs and the great outdoors--a pretty sweet gig, I must say. I also went to the Air Canada Centre for the first time this past weekend to see the Toronto Rock play. Apparently they're our lacrosse team. Who knew. I've also been getting myself as organized as I am capable of being for more than a week at a time. And, of course, I've been auditioning. I had three this past week, which left little time for other things. Especially since I decided to try being prepared for a change. So now that it's over, here is how it all went down:


Audition #1, Tuesday morning:


This was the one I really, really wanted. Great part, good for the resume, and a paying gig to boot. Ideal. I actually felt like I might have a shot at it, too. Until I got there, which is when my self-confidence deflated like a big balloon, spluttering sounds and all.


I woke up early and nervous on Tuesday morning. I hadn't slept well but I was excited and determined to stick to the pre-audition routine I had plotted for myself in the days before. Taking the TTC to this audition was an expedition, but I had timed it perfectly so I wouldn't have to sit in the waiting room longer than ten, maybe fifteen, minutes. I did not, of course, take into account that the audition might be running really late. Like forty-five minutes late. Which was especially bad because I was the third person scheduled for the morning and the first still hadn't gone in. These things happen, I know. But to borrow from last week's episode of Being Erica, auditioning makes me feel like I'm the only kid in a room full of grown ups. And the waiting room is worse. I always feel like I don't belong there, like I shouldn't be there. There is a subtle type of psychological warfare that occurs in quiet rooms crammed with actresses all auditioning for the same part. I don't think it's meant to be malicious, it's just what happens with all that nervous energy in one place. I try not to get sucked into it, generally unsuccessfully. This one definitely got the better of me.


Eventually I did make it into the audition room, every iota of my small store of self-confidence having been eroded by those forty-five minutes in a folding chair. The director, who I had met before and liked, asked how I was and I told him "petrified." I am nothing if not honest. And I find that admitting to nerves is better than pretending not to have them. So he put me a bit more at ease and I did my monologue (oh, how I loathe audition monologues). It was okay. My nerves still got the better of me and the monologue is still newer to me than I'd care to admit. Mr. Director was good enough to go through it with me a second time and to work on it, which made me feel worlds better. The second time is always better. Because by the second time it feels like a rehearsal, a process, not an audition. And I like rehearsing, I like the process. I do not like auditioning. It literally makes me physically ill. I'm a good actress, I have even been known to have the occasional flashes of brilliance. In rehearsal. In performance. Not in auditions. Auditions are my kryptonite.


But I kept my game face on and did my best under the circumstances and actually even almost had fun. It was by far the most honest audition I have done to date. And then, in about ten minutes, it was done. I left knowing I wasn't going to get the part. But I'm glad I went. Because part or no part, it was a productive audition. And it made me consider more about how I audition. I consider it to have been a personal success.


Audition #2, Tuesday afternoon:


When I got this audition I was really excited because it sounded like a good, steady gig. Until I started to think about it more. It was going to take up all my time, all my productive time, anyway, and it didn't seem like it was going to be much of a resume builder. So I went in feeling awkward because I was fairly certain I wasn't going to accept a part if one was offered. It just didn't seem like the best fit for this moment in my life. I did decide to audition, though, because I figured they deserved the benefit of the doubt. Maybe I was just being close-minded. I went to see what they were about (after an intense debate with myself on the issue). I considered bailing after Audition #1 due to exhaustion. I know they've done studies on the amount of energy expended by actors in performance. I don't remember the details exactly, but it's something akin to running nonstop for hours. I wonder what a similar study on actors auditioning would show? I imagine we use more energy auditioning than performing. As soon as I figure out the best way to test my hypothesis, I will let you know.


Being a big girl, I dragged myself to the audition, which is way off my beaten track, only to then spend fifteen minutes searching for a hidden door. I am positive that this is a sign I should just go home. But I persist. Because I am being a big girl. Finally, I find it and go in and immediately I know I should have gone with my instincts. They were nice and nothing was wrong, per se, it was just the vibes I got from the minute I walked in the door. My suspicions that it was a day job masquerading as an acting gig were confirmed. But at that point I was trapped in yet another waiting room (by myself this time) with no hope of escape. In my endless attempt to remain positive, I figured it would at least make for good audition experience.


Alas, this was not to be. As soon as I got there I filled out the typical "audition info" sheet--you know, phone number, conflicts, etc. In the spirit of honesty, I listed three conflicts: two of them on weekends, all in the late spring, and all important family events. Well, apparently this was a huge problem. HUGE. After consulting calendars and schedules for another fifteen minutes, the man in charge finally decided to see me. I really couldn't have cared less at this point. I mostly wanted to go home and eat some soup. But into the audition room I went, sat down on the special audition chair, and he changed his mind. I was interrogated further on these alleged "conflicts." Hadn't we discussed the commitment required on the phone? We had indeed, but he had made it sound like a Monday to Friday commitment. I was in no way aware that it involved sacrificing my weekends. And I was certainly not under the impression that one Saturday four months from now was going to be cause enough not to cast me. Frankly, if this was an indication of the working environment, count me out. I was taught always to err on the side of my life. Of having one, that is. I took this as a golden opportunity to get out. Although I think I did it graciously enough not to have burned any bridges. So Audition#2 was a non-audition. But sometimes auditions are also about finding out who you do or do not want to work with.


Reflections before the final push:


After my adventures on Tuesday I went home and thought a lot about the day. I thought about why I feel I don't audition well, why I don't like auditioning, and what I can do to improve the situation. Because, while it is an unfortunate reality, it is a reality. And I don't like it because I don't think I'm very good at it. I sat down and made a list of all the things I don't do well in audition situations. I am happy to say it's a much shorter list than I expected. And everything on it is something I can fix or work on. So, after writing it all down, I decided I will pick one or two things from my list to work on with every audition. And I will keep doing this until I can cross things off the list. With this attitude, I went into Audition #3.


Audition #3, Saturday morning:


This last audition was for a really good part in a play I don't particularly like. It was also, mercifully, a reading from sides. Sides that were actually even available beforehand. That was almost enough to make me cry tears of joy. And, after my reflections on Tuesday, I went in ready, working on breathing well and taking my time. This helped to calm my nerves and to give me focus. I didn't have to waiting-room-it for long, either, and I felt pretty good going in. I would have liked to spend more time preparing the sides, but my other two auditions had sort of gotten in the way of that (since they required monologues that I didn't have prepared, a greater feat...). Still, I think I gave a good reading. And I appreciated that their audition reader was not a total automaton. Yes, I felt like it was a solid audition. Not brilliant, but solid.


And then I didn't get a callback. Which is discouraging. Because I really felt like I was going to get one. I gave a good audition and I just had a feeling. Turns out I was wrong, what are you going to do? And, really, who knows why not? I can't dwell on it and I'm not complaining: it is what it is. But it is disappointing. And I so desperately want to do something. Just about anything.

Shake it off. Here's the thing: auditioning is a big game without many hard and fast rules. You can give a brilliant audition and get nothing. Because they want someone taller. Or shorter. Or older. Or younger. Or skinnier. Or blonde. Or just something you aren't. There is only so much you can control. So, it would follow that your focus should be on controlling what little you can. This is where I've turned mine. And since auditioning makes me incredibly, ridiculously anxious and I can probably count on my fingers and toes every audition I've ever done (and most of which I've landed, which is why rejection is kind of new to me...and which doesn't make me lucky, by the way, because the result is that I don't really know how to deal with it), I have to accept that there is a learning curve. Learning from each one is what I can control. And getting better with every audition. Which I think I am. And I have a plan. It's just a slow and painful process and patience, as it turns out, is not one of my virtues.

But I will keep dragging myself to auditions, I will keep working, I will keep chronicling my adventures here, and sooner or later something will stick...believe it.